If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
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I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
sistine chapel
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.