When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
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My phone always asks if I “Trust This Computer” like it knows something I don’t.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Why would anyone ever think gay people tear apart the fabric of society? They love fabric.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Cop: Wife shot the husband for bothering her while reading a book
Sargent: You arrested her?
C: She’s not done with the book
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.