@bananagrvyrd

If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.

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@SexySpainNights

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

@delusions_of

My phone always asks if I “Trust This Computer” like it knows something I don’t.

@AbbyHasIssues

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

@mantej

Why would anyone ever think gay people tear apart the fabric of society? They love fabric.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

@Playing_Dad

Cop: Wife shot the husband for bothering her while reading a book
Sargent: You arrested her?
C: No
S: Why?
C: She’s not done with the book

@mymonsterischic

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

@UncleDuke1969

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

@david8hughes

[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?