you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
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I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
This is painfully accurate 😅
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Pass gas, not judgment.