If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
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If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
At Walmart during the holidays like..
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir