@AminamAmbien

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

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@BuckyIsotope

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

@chuuew

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

@Cpin42

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

@LetsQuoteComedy

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

@KateQFunny

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

@patrickmarkryan

You’re not impressing anyone, people who put a comma before the person’s name when wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook

@murrman5

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

@LindaInDisguise

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

@zachreinert03

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

@spaceboyriley

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make