“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
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My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
me adding lol on a serious message
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*