@hardlyrelevant

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

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@radtoria

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

@Home_Halfway

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY

@AnkCoupleTO

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

@stanleybehrman

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

@iwearaonesie

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

@Kryzazy

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk