If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
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*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
You have been warned.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.