“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
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HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
fixed it
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
checking out some reviews of my local library
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.