“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
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“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.