“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
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Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no