If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
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Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
What kind of a cult is this?
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you