If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
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*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine