@Ideal_Victoria

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

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@ficklenuts

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

@NewDadNotes

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

@ambienbabe

I say “fight me” a lot for a girl that’s 5’2″ and has a tough time opening some doors because they’re too heavy.

@ericarhodes

Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

@Darlainky

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

@OfficialMizGin

Want to know the real reason girls go to the bathroom together?

The air hockey table.

All our bathrooms have one.

@SteveKoehler22

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

@fatguythe

Hid my daughters ipod in my other daughters room cause they’ve been getting along lately and there’s nothing on tv tonight.