If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
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I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Tier 3 meme
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
My dating profile:
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
giddy up Office Depot
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.