If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
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You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
wish me luck lads
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.