Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
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Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes