If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
You Might Also Like
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I forgot how to panic. Help
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”