If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
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Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Perfect
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no