If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
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the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me: