But no warning about leopards…?
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
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Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don’t take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
“Hi there. So what do you do?”
“DO YOU HAVE ANY SPEED OR WHAT?”
i hate getting paid biweekly. i wanna get paid every day. actually i wanna get paid every hour. remind me hourly why i’m even here
Him: Describe our relationship in two words
Me: Our what?
*crawls towards him gets between his legs and asks*
What do you want?
Him-Whatever you want.
Me-*gets a bowl of ice cream and turns on tv*