If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
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Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him