If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
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❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I am having an out of money experience.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Kermit goes Blue.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.