If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
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[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.