I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
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Sex so good, you make bed angels with your arms and legs afterwards.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
If women do the splits, do men do the banana splits?
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
He thought I wore a size two.
A size two?!
I started laughing so hard, I spit out the donut I was eating.
Please allow kids to believe in Santa.
You believe in Herballife and no one is ruining it for you.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me