If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
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U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
The best shot in the history of golf
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills