If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
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Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
How it started How it’s going
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
[on my way back to the posting caves]
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.