@mattsurely

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

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@sixfootcandy

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

@RCKruseKontrol

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

@NotthatAdamWest

Not sure what my dog thinks I do all day, but based on her excitement when I get home she apparently lives in constant fear I’ll be murdered

@3sunzzz

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

@gylertagan

[Chasing a man out of the bathroom with a pube] Sir you dropped this!

@mommajessiec

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3

Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.

@glenc217

Shockingly, the gyroscope is NOT a device used to locate Greek restaurants.

@SkylarMarshai

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.