Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
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Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO