[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
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A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
fired
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.