God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
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Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice