@rn_murse

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

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@SarcasmMother

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

@BlindChow

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

@Tmoney68

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

@tweetsbyrocket

boss: you’re late again

me: i saw a dog

boss: that’s what you said yesterday

me: he lives in my house

@_Water_Baby

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

@Holy_Mowgli

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

@Marlebean

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

@KKBowls

Me: damn, doc I’m losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?

Dr.: a plastic bag

@withanewname

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.