If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
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asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.