If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

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No quarantine has all five:

– ur partner
– balcony / garden
– pasta
– quiet neighbours
– hi speed wifi


“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos


Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first


Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet


A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.


amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one


If history repeats itself, I’m totally getting a dinosaur.


If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.


I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.


My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.