No quarantine has all five:
– ur partner
– balcony / garden
– quiet neighbours
– hi speed wifi
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
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“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
If history repeats itself, I’m totally getting a dinosaur.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.