Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@hollyshortall

No quarantine has all five:

– ur partner
– balcony / garden
– pasta
– quiet neighbours
– hi speed wifi

@iwearaonesie

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

@crocodilethumbs

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

@Peauxtassium

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

@MooseAllain

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

@CAshmanActor

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

@Steve_Enn

If history repeats itself, I’m totally getting a dinosaur.

@CrisMtzgr

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

@Jandalize

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

@BunAndLeggings

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.