A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
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[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake