If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
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Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me