If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
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Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.