[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
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The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.