One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
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Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Stick a fork in me so you know just how done we are
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
(bank drive thru)
Me: *puts deposit through pneumatic tube
Banker: This is a can of Pringles
Me: Yes, savings please
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.