If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
You Might Also Like
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*