@bridger_w

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

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@RodLacroix

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

@TankCesar

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.

@WheelTod

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

@PFTompkins

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

@Marlebean

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

@mean_crow

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

@_lesleyallan

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

@ThaJawn

(bank drive thru)

Me: *puts deposit through pneumatic tube

Banker: This is a can of Pringles

Me: Yes, savings please

@XplodingUnicorn

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.