I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
You Might Also Like
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.