VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
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Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand