I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
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PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen
[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Accidentally picked up two traffic cones instead of my children again
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling