If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
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Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ