If at first you don’t succeed, I wouldn’t try bungee jumping.

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My neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen. 🙂


The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.


Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.


No strings attached relationships are all fun and games until you fall for a guitar. Or a marionette. Or a yo-yo.


When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.


Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”


ME to BF: “We need to talk about the future.” BF: “what about it,you wanna talk about flying cars and robots and stuff?”