Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
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I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent