If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
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I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Cake safety first. Always.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I think we should hear other voices.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic