@GrumpyBahr

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

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@JKickinit30

You can’t control what people say or do. The only thing you can control is how much accelerant to use.

@Sickayduh

Hour 3: The group of hipsters has accepted me. However, the leader seems suspicious of the cinnamon roll man bun I taped on top of my head.

@MollyERA

“IF YOU’RE HAVING KNITTING PROBLEMS I FEEL BAD FOR YOU SON–” “stop rapping, Grandma” “–I GOT 99 PROBLEMS AND A STITCH AIN’T ONE”

@iLikeCatShirts

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

@House_Feminist

I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle

@jctwritesstuff

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

@KaliciaBo

“You are cute like a dog, Momma!”

My daughter is very sweet but we must work on her ability to compliment.

@trevso_electric

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

@stevevsninjas

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

@Staggfilms

ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.