If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

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People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.


I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.


If I could go back in time & change any event that would alter the course of history:

I probably wouldn’t have super sized that fry order.


I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.


This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.


She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.


Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully


When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”


Win a Canadian marathon by putting a door just before the finish line and having them all wait for you to go through first.