If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

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Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.


Boss: You drink everyday and I think you need an intervention..

Me: I work everyday so I should quit that too?

Boss: No..

Me: Good talk


Bad guys gotta have a meeting and decide once and for all Liam Neeson’s family is off limits.


Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…

Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*


If I ever become a ghost, no way I’m haunting some abandoned building. I’m finding the nearest lingerie store and setting up shop there


i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad


Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*


what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????


whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush