Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
You Might Also Like
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Here’s a meme
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!