If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
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Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Netflix and scream at our children?!
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Hotels are back
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless