if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
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The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.