If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
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Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.