Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
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Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.