If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
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I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
This one’s “Alex”.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open