If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

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I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.


Why I don’t get dates:

Her: It’s been light-years since I’ve had this much fun

Me: Actually, a light-year is a unit of distance, not time


I never thought I’d walk into a bank with a mask on and hand over my own money to the teller


[after i confess to murder]

COP: sarge? you gotta see this

[shows interrogation video and sees my fingers crossed the whole time]


ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?


62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”


When a guy tries to talk to me while at a urinal I instantly slide over and start pissing in his urinal too. See how friendly he really is


You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.


Sure, Canada, feel safe now while US is just after oil.

Wait ’til we run low on beer, ice, hockey players & f’d up ways to pronounce words.


Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.