Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
You Might Also Like
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
I feel that it’s time to pick the kids up from school..so I’m going to lie down here for a while and wait for that feeling to pass
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*