If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
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“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
when you order from DoorDastardly
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?