@PearlsFromMyrna

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

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@jake_likes_naps

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

@Divergentmama

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

@murrman5

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

@MissNaughty1801

I feel that it’s time to pick the kids up from school..so I’m going to lie down here for a while and wait for that feeling to pass

@UncleDuke1969

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

@_elvishpresley_

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

@misfarber

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room