Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
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Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?