Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
You Might Also Like
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*