Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
If Batman exists, he’s doing a shitty job.
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ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Daughter: Dad do Zombies exist?
Dad: No dear they’re people wearing lots of makeup.
Daughter: Oh like mommy?
Dad: Close enough.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
My ex’s ex and my left hand are dating.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
There’s no quicker evacuation than alcohol telling your stomach the party is over
How disturbingly inappropriate would it be if “Thomas the Tank Engine” was set in early-1940s Germany? #ThomasDieKleineLokomotive
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.