@ComedicBust

If Batman exists, he’s doing a shitty job.

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@ThisOneSayz

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

@ArfMeasures

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

@qwertying

Daughter: Dad do Zombies exist?

Dad: No dear they’re people wearing lots of makeup.

Daughter: Oh like mommy?

Dad: Close enough.

@TheCamJude

“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”

– Khaki pants

@dmc1138

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

@TheIntComShow

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

@envydatropic

There’s no quicker evacuation than alcohol telling your stomach the party is over

@natedeschaine

How disturbingly inappropriate would it be if “Thomas the Tank Engine” was set in early-1940s Germany? #ThomasDieKleineLokomotive

@ceejoyner

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.