If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
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Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me irl
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Somebody’s lying.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.