If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
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Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.