I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
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fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
#titanic
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Don’t we all.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Which wines pair best with gloating?