If bees have to die after they sting you, then at the very least I hope mosquitoes get hangovers that make them feel like death after they bite drunk people.

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4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.


The nice thing about getting a pet lobster is that you can always threaten to eat it when your kid stops taking care of it.


No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.


Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.


Me: “I want to go on a diet.” Food: “LOL no.”


If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.


Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.


What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?


8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?


Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?