@divergentmama

If bees have to die after they sting you, then at the very least I hope mosquitoes get hangovers that make them feel like death after they bite drunk people.

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@cafchaosgrace

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

@ForeverHairy

The nice thing about getting a pet lobster is that you can always threaten to eat it when your kid stops taking care of it.

@dumbbeezie

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

@iAmJuddy

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

@AYYSIAN

Me: “I want to go on a diet.” Food: “LOL no.”

@EllaZee5

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

@stevezorz

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

@TrophyWifeDayna

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

@mommajessiec

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

@markedly

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?