If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
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You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)